Options

(27 January 2002)

My neighbour saw me the other night when I was really down bad, and after hearing my tale and seeing the state I was in, she suggested going online to check out the men.  “I don’t think that’s my cup of tea.”  “Just for fun, it’ll distract you.”  “If it’ll get Him out of my head for a few hours, I’m game!”  We spent hours on the computer, having lots of discussions and good fun.  It worked, I didn’t think of Bogdan once during the evening.

I’m having difficulty writing my profile for the internet dating site, since I’m not clear on what I want.  After years of a sexless marriage, I just want to fool around, however, if I don’t meet a man who wants to have children, and settle down quickly, my biological clock will have stopped ticking.  Some of my ambivalence must stem from my childhood: I heard repeatedly that I was not the maternal type, that my sister was the one born to be a mother.  So I’ve never really fully felt like I have the right to have children.  If I did, I would’ve stood up to my ex-husband when he stalled and stalled about having children, even flaring up with righteous anger about people who have children when they don’t have enough money to do so.  He really resented the fact that I didn’t earn a higher income, whereas his colleagues were all married to women in the same trade with high incomes.  Wanting children was rather abstract to me, rather than being something that I felt in my heart and soul.  Anyway, since I clearly don’t really know what I want, I went ahead and put up a profile saying that I was looking for a serious relationship, knowing that men with less than serious intentions would contact me all the same: I can keep my options open.

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