Internet Date Mistake

(22 August 02)

Since I’ve been here in the US for vacation and work, I’ve gone online a bit trying to line up some dates for my return because I’m very attached to Peter Pan and I know that he isn’t likely to want to become romantically involved with me.  As I suspect and a friend had warned me: “He’s likely to abandon you.”    While waiting for my new profile to be put online, I spent several depressing evenings sifting through profiles that didn’t look promising.   Then I got a flood of messages which didn’t look much more promising.  I’ve corresponded with a few of the men anyway, telling myself: “you never know,” even though I haven’t seemed to have any luck this time around. Probably a lot of men are offline, since the month of August is vacation in France.  Finally I got a message from Adonis that intrigued me.  No picture, brief text.  What it is that catches your attention in the online ads can be as mysterious as what makes you attracted to someone you meet in real life?  We had a few really interesting written conversations (which unfortunately were in a file that got deleted), and then he wanted to call me.

Received from "sonia" the 22/08/2002 at 05h24

Asking what stock photography isn't stupid--I should've explained, because lots of people don't know. Work where a client hires you for a specific project is assignment work, in contrast, in stock work photographers produce images which are put into large image banks (now on the net of course) which clients can consult to find images to illustrate articles, for ads, book covers, CD covers, brochures, etc. The game is to produce images which will work for lots of different clients.

Do you have a picture you could e-mail me? I've got one ready to send now.

      

Sonia

To:  Sonia

Subject:  Photography

Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002

Sonia, sounds like fun but I imagine that assignment work might be more

gratifying as you are shooting for a purpose.  But I guess really

don't know.  Anyway it sounds like a fun way to make a living. What was

the most fun project you have ever done?

I am attaching a photo, it is a year old but should give you an idea.

I would love to have one of you as well.

To: Adonis

Subject:  Photography

Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002

Hi!

Thanks for the photo.  I have to head out in a few minutes to shoot, but I'll have time to get a photo off to you this evening.

What I like about the stock work is that I shoot what I want (within the limitations of what will work for them), with people that I want to shoot, in places I want to shoot, when I feel like, without having to deal with obnoxious art directors, clients, etc.  I can't stand working inside or having an employer--I function best when I'm completely independent. The primary purpose of my stock work is to generate a steady income so that I can concentrate on doing my artwork.  I've spent too many years struggling to get by and not having enough money to move my art photography forward in the way I need to.  I live for my art, I got into top galleries in New York, Los Angeles, and Seattle, and now it's crucial for me to produce completed series for them to exhibit.  I'll be looking for a gallery in Paris when I get back.  I also compare doing my stock work to a musician playing scales every day--you can't give outstanding performances if you don't practice regularly.

None of the commercial work I've done stands out in my mind as having been particularly fun.  Shooting my main series, b&w "nudes" of women, gives me tremendous pleasure.  It's hard work which turns me inside out, because it's very personal, I work with material from my memories, dreams, nightmares, fantasies, and with the energy that each woman brings me.  It's a wonderful feeling to be in the darkroom printing up a stunning image.  I think that's when the emotion is the strongest for me, even stronger than when I look at the final work. The emotion is as strong also, when I'm shooting, and I know I've just captured the exact image I wanted.  When I lived in Japan I spent a lot of time walking around Kyoto, and photographing Zen temples and gardens. That was the happiest shooting period for me.  It was such a pleasure, and I learned a lot, not just about photography...it was meditation in action.  Here I've begun a series of photos of wave patterns on the water, which is a tremendous joy to shoot, and reminds me a lot of the time I spent photographing the Zen gardens.  It's peaceful work.  I’m in contact with the elements.  I can feel the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, and absorb smells that come back to me when I look at the photos.

Now I really have to fly,

More later,

Sonia

From: Adonis

Subject: Re: Hi!

Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002

Sonia, you just captured my imagination with what you wrote.  I really want to

get to know you.  I can feel your enthusiasm and your emotion in your words.  I

like knowing someone like you even if it does not lead to something romantic.

So few people break through the plane of the ordinary to elevate themselves from the everyday crap and truthfully I don't always succeed myself and so I find it good to be inspired by others around me and sometimes I can inspire them.

Adonis

I found a friend with a digital camera who took pictures of me at the beach.  Most of them didn’t show my face well, but it was better than nothing.  She had trouble figuring out how to download the images onto the computer.  Three nights in a row I promised Adonis that I’d send him my photo the next day, and each day Faith was too busy to show me how to send it.  I wrote apologizing for my broken promises, and Adonis replied that it didn’t matter, I was so interesting that he wanted to meet me regardless, whether it be for romance or friendship.  A man who’s not just interested in what I look like, and genuinely seems to want to get to know me better! Someone who’s really interested in who I am and not just what I look like!  We spoke several times by phone.  Adonis was getting impatient for my return: “When are you going to get your ass back here?”  I made a reservation for a return flight as soon as I could.  (I’ve been here four months now; it’s time to get home.)  He called the day I returned, and we made plans to see each other the next night.

(4 September 2002)

When Adonis called because he was stuck in traffic, I answered out of breath, and he asked “Are you having sex?” “Of course, what do you think?”  He called back to say that he was still stuck in traffic, I answered out of breath as usual. (For some reason I get out of breath just getting up to answer the phone.)  “Are you having sex again?”  “Well, what am I supposed to do while I wait for you?  It would be a lot more fun if I weren’t alone.”  After an hour and a half in traffic, he called and said he’d like to come up and wind down for a few minutes before going out to dinner.

The evening went too well, i.e. it was a disaster.  I’d been telling myself, no matter what you do; don’t have sex with him, this man’s too interesting to let him slip away.  I don’t think I’ve ever managed to keep a New Year’s resolution more than a day.  When I opened my door, my heart cried out “Yes!”  He sat on the couch and I on a chair as we chatted getting to know each other.  We talked about what had gone wrong in our marriages; we had in common a sex life that had died.  He asked about what I’m looking for in a relationship, and told me what he was looking for.  He wanted to see my photos, so I sat next to him on the couch to show them.  He asked if sex was really important to me, “Yes, and for you?” “Very important, I’m a very sensual, sexual person.”  I showed him all of my photos, felt the heat of his body, terribly drawn to him, I sat closer.  We made love beautifully.  I tried to imagine living with a man who makes love like that, who touches me like that....

We napped for awhile and then he got up to leave; he lived on the other side of the city, and wanted to get up there before work.  As he was getting dressed, he asked whose fault it was.  My heart sank.  Whose fault it was!  We were both consenting adults.  The next day he called while he was driving to pick up his daughter, which both limited the conversation and made it disjointed.  He said we should have had dinner first...that my photos weren’t what he’d expected (who knows what he was expecting), and to call whenever I felt like it.  That struck me as odd: a relationship is out of the question after the way things went down, and I don’t see him really wanting to strike up a friendship. 

(20 September 2002)

I knew that the following week he was going abroad for a meeting that could have important consequences for his career.  He e-mailed me saying he’d let me know how it went. And then there was silence.  I let a week go by and then called.  He didn’t have time to talk, called back, again while driving, another disjointed conversation.  He complained about France, the French, his job, about lots of things.  I know that we expats all go through periods of complaining about the French, still I’m begin to suspect that he’s rather negative in general, and a bit of a spoiled brat.  He complains about luxury problems.  I’d exchange problems with him any day. Adonis explained that he’d been extremely busy between trips abroad for work, job interviews, and house hunting.  I wasn’t sure if that meant he was sincerely leaving a door open, or if he just didn’t have the guts to cut things off directly.  It’s taken me years to learn to let go of people, when they don’t want my company.  Generally I’m quick to pick up on it now. I knew better than to call, but I couldn’t bring myself to let go.  I could hear immediately from his voice that he wasn’t thrilled to hear from me.  He spoke distractedly, watching soccer, while eating potato chips, the conversation was short. We should have gone to dinner first.  Well, maybe not.  I might have become involved with a man who both travels frequently and complains too much.  All the same, it’s clearer and clearer to me how men react to women who sleep with them on the first date.  They always want it, but dis you for doing it.  What a double standard!

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