Abuse

(11 May 2011)

I feel really lethargic today, even more so than yesterday.  I feel like crawling back into bed.  I’m going to have to cancel all of my activities for the day. Yesterday I didn’t feel much better.  I don't think it's a mood swing: I get really smacked down by weather changes, and having my period start has only made things worse.  With a little luck, I'll be back on my feet quickly.

I saw a new psychologist the other day.  I was delighted when she proposed working on the past in a dynamic way, which would affect the present.  I spent years working intensively in psychoanalysis with my past psychiatrist, until I became to broke to continue.  And at that point, it felt like all the talk about the past wasn’t very productive, I wanted to see more changes in my day to day life.  There are a lot of things I want to talk about with my psychologist, I’m not sure where to start. Perhaps with some of the family traumas, since that’s just come up, or about my marriage.  There’s a lot of denial there, I remember all of the good things about my ex-husband, but have a hard time remembering how abusive he was.  I might have to look through my old journals in order to remember.  I still feel like I’ll never meet someone as well suited to me as he was.  The denial is strong.  I remember after I left my ex, while I was seeing a psychologist at the center for battered women, I would talk about the new men in my life, and anything and everything but about my ex.  I just couldn’t get my mind to go there.  But it’s important to work through it. Past patterns of abuse continue to affect the way I deal with men.  And it’s not surprise that eleven years later I still don’t feel like I could be in a serious relationship with a man.

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