Old slippers

(20^th December 2003)

Meeting people through the net is similar to meeting people in “real life,” except that during the getting to know each other stage there seems to be a lot more room for fantasy.   You also much more likely to meet people that you probably never would have crossed otherwise.  I wrote to Khalid because I liked his photo: he appeared friendly, warm, and relaxed.  I remembered my friend Véronique saying that if my ex-husband was as complicated as Hervé, what I need is a man who is like an old pair of slippers.  Khalid looked like an old pair of slippers, I liked what he’d written, and I love men who’ll cook for me!

"Small recipe for happiness: Take a woman and a man. Choose them free, available and open. Put them in together to see if their tastes and colors match naturally agree. If you notice a tremor, cover lightly to blend the two flavors while keeping their own essences ... And if, and only if the sauce is successful and stable, start preparing the dessert surprise: a little little vanilla or a little chocolate ... Enjoy it as long as possible and without moderation."

Sent to "jazz" le 22/12/2003 at 19h31 consulted by "jazz"

I’d love for you to prepare me a dish.... 

Received from "jazz" le 22/12/2003 at 14h41 

Hello
I accept with great pleasure. If you wish we can get to know each other by phone? The kitchen has meaning only if it is an opportunity to share. And in cooking as in anything I like to have fun inventing. I am also an artist, I use several techniques: modelling, painting, drawing, writing. I create an imaginary bestiary; it excites me because I became interested in very different fields.  I'll tell you specifically if you call me. I divide my time between my artwork and a job in the communication, which allows me to stay relatively fresh, since I work with creative people. And you kind of photos do you do?
See you soon I hope

Khalid

I called and we had a comfortable conversation.  Even though I wasn’t feeling well, I decided to accept his dinner invitation.  He came by here first, and he was just as I’d imagined him from his photo: easy going, friendly, and sincere.  I was happy that this time a man wasn’t coming up just to look through my work, but also to share his own.  He’d brought along a book with stories, drawings, and photos of his sculptures.  He’s constructed an entire imaginary world, which is quite amazing.  We agreed to collaborate, to transpose his world into a screenplay.  At dinner he spoke of his dream of having a house a few hours from Paris, so as not to be too far from the bustle of the city, with a garden, and a big barn to use as a studio.  I love that dream.  He’s been on the net for about a year now, looking for a woman to settle down and have children with.  To complete the dream he wants a family. 

(23 December 2003)

At my session with my psychiatrist, I said:  “I have to resolve my incapacity to let go of my marriage.  I still think of my husband as my best friend.”  Is he?  Yes, I think so.  Though I don’t think the feeling is reciprocal anymore.  He’s become an imaginary best friend.  “The thought of being completely and utterly alone is unbearable.”  “My husband hasn’t let go entirely either.  I still have the keys to his place, and when I go by to pick up my mail, there’s always a stack of newspaper clippings, articles he knows will interest me.  That’s an old habit of his.”  If I’d really been ready to let go when I left, I would have given a forwarding address to the post office.  My psychiatrist wondered why I don’t go back to him.  After all we’re just separated.  I know with certainty that I don’t want to go back to Loïc, and yet I can’t find it in me to start looking for a lawyer.

Sent to "jazz" the 23/12/2003 at 20h59 consulted by "jazz" 

It was a pleasure to meet you.  See you on Sunday! 

Received from "jazz" the 23/12/2003 at 21h58 

Hello

The pleasure is shared. You have real talent.  I really like your artwork.

You scratch reality to bring out the strange.  Especially the women's bodies barely perceptible bathed in shadow. I'd be very curious to see shapes of faces. I have today sent a color copy of a picture that is both simple and very disturbing, I found it in a trade magazine.  Fantasy without much effect. You'll see.  I accept your proposal to help me with enthusiasm if you still agree, of course, and work on one of my stories in order to present my work on the side of Hollywood. It seems so inaccessible (it is already a dream only imagine that this could be possible!) I'm ready to work like crazy to try my luck. I will present my text on Sunday. In this connection about what time do you want me to come get you? For lunch or afternoon?
Here is my personal mail to communicate directly. I already gave my landline number as well. See you soon, Khalid 

On Sunday, I’m having lunch with Khalid, and then I’m going to take photos of him with his sculptures.  It should be a good weekend.  I feel nervous though, I’ve been alone a lot and when I’ve been alone I get afraid if I have to see people several days in a row.  I don’t know what the fear is exactly, it’s a feeling like I’ll be thrown off balance, I’ll lose my equilibrium.

During my session with my psychiatrist today, I talked about an abandonment dream, and how I hold my breath every time I buzz on his interphone, afraid that he won’t answer.  He talked about my not going back to my ex: “Vous avez peur de ne pas prendre votre pied”.  Prendre votre pied, literally, to take your foot, means to get pleasure from something.  Why does he always come back to that, rather than the fear of psychological abuse and physical violence, etc.?  Oh, I know, he could be suggesting that I’d rather hang onto a sexless and violent relationship than find one with pleasure.  He knows I get a lot of physical pleasure out of my relationship with Hervé, but at the same time it’s been an emotionally masochistic relationship.

Copyright © 2011