Stuck

I’ve been in Palma de Mallorca, at my brother Peter’s, for a little over a week now.  I love being here.  It seems like each time I come, as soon as I step out of the airport, I’ve left all of my worries and stress behind me.  Life here is simple: beach, beach, and more beach, along with my alcohol support group meetings.

Peter always buys my tickets here, and lots of clothes for me.  He works with color themes, and can remember all of the items he’s bought for me in the past, so so he can coordinate the new clothes with the old, and then he gets accessories to go with them.  This summer he said there would be no clothes since he’d just bought me a new computer.  Then he called to say that I should arrive with an empty suitcase--as I expected, since he couldn’t resist temptation.  Then we went out and did a bit more shopping together, so I’ve got some gorgeous new dresses.  Having a computer is absolutely essential to me, and having  nice clothes makes me feel great.  There isn’t any money in my budget for buying new clothes and shoes, so his generosity makes a huge difference.

I was feeling really down about being stuck in Paris, stuck in my tiny overcrowded room, without money to take advantage of all that the city has to offer.  My budget is so tight that I had to give up smoking, which is a good thing of course, in order to be sure to have enough to eat every day.  Stuck in a place where I’m so socially isolated, etc.  Still, I imagine that few people would sympathise with me for being stuck there.  And it’s true that in France my health care is covered, my mental health meds are free for life, I’ve got full disability, psychiatric care, and a housing subsidy.  No matter what, I know that my basic needs will be met.  And how can I feel bad about my situation when I get to jet set back and forth to Spain?

The first few years that Peter was encouraging me to move here, I had strong doubts about it.  I’ve been a big city rat for so many years, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be here full time.  But I’m incredibly fortunate to have a brother who cares so much about me, and who wants me to live nearby so he can take care of me when I’m not doing well.  Now I can imagine building a new life here, I can’t imagine what it will be like, but I can imagine that it will be a life I’m satisfied with.